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      Shawna is now friends with Timothy Brandon Wilson and 5 other people.

       
       
      Shawna got a new high score in Bubble Safari Ocean.
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      Brokenness and beauty- two rooms
      Have you ever been broken? Made to feel like a rag doll- used up and beaten down?
      Until late, that is how I have felt. Although the mask I wore on the outside showed happiness- on the inside I was broken. 
      I just knew there was something wrong with me- inside. I guess that’s why I have always had lists of how to fix myself.
      I believed- foolishly, I might add- that if I could just be perfect, I’d finally be okay. The brokenness would go away. I wanted everyone else to fix me. I especially went to my family and close friends- praying they would have the words that would finally mend me. But no one had the answers. No one could fix me.
      When I was 12, I prayed to ask Jesus in my heart- though I think even before then I longed for Him. My teenage years, however, were full of ups and downs- desperately seeking men’s approval now as well as my former group. I tried to hold on to each relationship I had- by sheer will power, but they always crumbled and left me feeling even more used up and broken. My family life began to crumble before I was even born. My parents, who had married young, were separated, and then, finally, at the age of almost 3, they divorced. On the few times I got to see my “daddy”, I held on to him with everything in me. I wanted so desperately for him to love me.
      My older sister told me it was my fault my parents divorced- that everything was fine before me. Although that was not true, a child does not understand all that goes into a man and woman’s marriage relationship, and I believed her. Perhaps that was when I felt the first crack. Over the years, many more relationships, lists, and attempts at fixing the brokenness in myself were carried out. But nothing worked. Marriage, deaths of children, infertility, church splits… so many cracks and holes. So I just kept trying on my own- with the occasional help of the LORD. But mainly my thinking.
      I thought if I could just act right, look right, be right… I would be all right. But the problem was, each person- each group- had their own idea of what was “right.” So that left me more confused than ever. At 17, I had rededicated my life to Christ, and finally had begun to feel “right.” But, my overzealousness turned into legalism, and now I was “right” and everyone else was wrong. Oh yes, I had happy moments- moments of not feeling broken, but eventually, those feelings would catch up with me.
      Well, recently, God showed me a vision of two rooms- one before and one after picture, if you will. I have been spending a lot of time in His presence, because I had gotten to the point where I was exhausted from trying to fix myself, my husband, my children, my friends, my students…. I came to Him and offered every part of me- the brokeness to be fixed. He was the only one who could do it, and I was so tired of trying to do it on my own! I asked Him to break me completely- remove from me every sin, all shame, the need for anyone’s approval but His, the hurting little girl’s heart that longed for a Daddy-a real one- to love her. And He did. But back to the rooms.
      One room was like an old dusty cabin- broken and strewn pieces of furniture were lying around- everything was brown and broken. The pieces of furniture were wooden and had cobwebs hanging from them. The room was dusty and dark- not much light. 
      But the other room was beautiful! It was filled with the finest furniture and more light than I knew what to do with! It was pink, and cream, and beautiful. 
      Jesus was standing in the middle with His arms spread speaking to my heart saying, “Welcome to your new heart.” It was beautiful and it filled my eyes to overflowing with tears. No longer was there broken furniture- a few Bible verses I had learned.
      No longer was darkness there, shame from sexual impurity, not having a daddy- the place was full of Light! The cobwebs were gone and the room was spotless- but it wasn’t just clean- it was full of beauty and new pieces of furniture. New scriptures the LORD has given me. New promises of who He is. 
      For the first time, I am truly free. Free from all of the junk, the lies, the recordings in my head. I am free and I am loved- unconditionally by my Father. 
      So this Easter week, I can’t help but praise Him, because it is this week we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus and now, I will celebrate His resurrection in me!
      God is still working on me, and will be until I go home with Him to live eternally. But, I know, that I know, that I know, that HE has resurrected me and that any brokenness left, HE will continue to heal completely

    Add a comment March 28, 2013

    I knew what I was getting into!

    Please take a few minutes and listen. THis is an amazing song from God’s heart to yours!

    Add a comment August 10, 2012

    Blocked

    I am blocked. I sit here attempting to get my thoughts together to share with you, and I have nothing. Yet, in my head that is so far from the truth. Thoughts collide in my brain; they pop out unexpectedly like a jack in the box, and they slink and slither through like the Enemy who brings them. I have thoughts of medicines, of school, of my children, of my marriage, of who I am, of my house, of God. I have thoughts that frighten me and thoughts that make me giddy with delight. So why is it I cannot seem to put any thoughts to my first blog? It’s not that I have nothing to talk about; after all, the past 8 months have been one challenge and adventure after another! I should be able to write about any of them, but here I sit, writing about none of them- only being blocked.

    I am blocked spiritually too. Maybe that is the problem. I love God so much, but between being in fast forward mode and being so tired, I seem to only have snippets of conversations with Him before I crash or during times of intense trials. I ask for His help OFTEN, and I seek to help my children through His word. I pray for my friends and my family. I sing praise songs. Yet, I feel like I’m just going through the motions sometimes. I ache for a strong relationship with Him. I crave it! Yet, I feel so far from Him. Jesus, come into every room. Come and rearrange the furniture in my heart- get rid of what needs to be gotten rid of and bring in what needs to be brought in. Come and BE! Maybe that is my problem: I need to remember to BE. To be still and know that God is God. Maybe in all my trying to do the “right” things to maintain my relationship with Him, maybe I am just spinning my wheels. He knows how busy I am. He knows how crazy it is. He knows me, my children, and my husband. He knows the longings of my heart. The fears I have. He knows it all. And He loves me. Thank you, LORD! Thank you, Jesus, for knowing me and loving me despite it all! I love you!
    So I guess sometimes when we are blocked, we just need to be. Then, the words will come- on screen, but even more importantly, from our hearts to His.

    Be blessed today my friend.

     

    2 comments August 10, 2012

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