transformation

April 2, 2013 womanafterhisheart

“What if your blessings come through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears. What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near. And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise.” (from the song Blessings by Laura Story).

A month and a half ago I sang this song in church. I sang it with passion and gusto, but I really didn’t understand what I was singing. See, my heart was hard. Really hard. All I could see was a glimpse of what the song really meant. 

Just a few minutes ago I heard the song on my Internet radio and it hit my now soft heart, hard. I understand now- at least, I am beginning to understand. 

Six and a half months ago I made a decision to end my marriage. NOtice I said my. Everything was about me. It had been for a long, long time. I’m not going to say there weren’t real issues, there were. But oh, how God has revealed to me over the last month and a half that my attitude, my lack of a mature walk with Christ-contributed to so much of the destruction. I cast all of the blame on my husband and I focused on his sin. My eyes were veiled to my own sins- sins of manipulation and lack of love, jealousy, and anger out of control. I truly could go on and on! Most of my marriage (again, there it is- my) I walked around in long robes and cast stones at my husband (metaphorically speaking) like he was a nobody. I was SO much holier than him (so I thought)! I judged him mercilessly and hurt him over and over. My children too. They could never do right, and in my heart of hearts, I didn’t want to spend a lot of time with them. It hurts so badly to write this, but I want people to understand what really happened.  I went and worshipped at church, but then I came home and tore my husband and our children down with a super critical spirit and anger that came across in a variety of unhealthy ways. When things didn’t go my way, I pouted and made everyone’s lives miserable. I was up and down and all over the place, unable to focus on anything and always searching for the next big thing to give me a lift. Not to mention the secret sins I struggled with. Oh LORD, it hurts to even recall it. But I don’t want to give glory to the devil; I want to give it to God. So let me move on to what happened a month and a half ago. God got a hold of me. After a day of verbal bashing of my husband, I got so sick I could not talk or walk without help. I stayed sick for over two weeks. During this time, my kids brought me an article about marriage that my Aunt Betty had written a long time ago. It was about her marriage to my Uncle BIll, and how, no matter what, she stayed with him and he stayed with her. My aunt is now deceased and struggled with mental illness while she was alive, but my uncle never left her. I also saw a picture on Facebook of an elderly gentleman caring for his elderly wife with alzheimers. My heart was pricked. Finally, I received confirmation through the mail that my divorce had just been filed. That was it. I didn’t want this! I realized I didn’t want to give up! I wanted to fight! So I typed in online about marriage restoration, and I found rejoice marriage ministries. The founders were separated once a year practically throughout their marriage and then were divorced for 2.5 years before God brought them back to gether again, they remarried and stayed married for 23 years before his death. I started reading the testimonies’ pages of literally hundreds of marriages that had been saved- some before and some after divorce. Then I found stop divorce radio and I tuned in. This is a station that plays all kinds of Christian music and sermons that promote marriage, Christian parenting, Biblical principals of finance, Christian maturity…. the list goes on and on.  I started listening and reading the scripture like never before. Scripture about what it means to be a mature Christian. Scripture about what Christ has truly done and who He really is. Thus began the transformation. Oh friend, I wish I could share with you all that God has done, but I can tell you for sure that He has changed my heart! He has delivered me from a “me”mentality! I don’t care about getting anymore. He’s put in my heart a desire to give and love unconditionally. HE’s broken the curses that have followed my family over the years. He’s delivered me from a spirit of Jezebel that used manipulation to get her way. He has set me free from the need for stuff, for approval, for appreciation even. HE’s changed my heart, and every day he continues to change my heart. Where once I was running around trying to find the next “thing”, now God has put in my heart a spirit of contentment to stay at home and pray and care for the children he has blessed Chris and I with, and to serve and love them unconditionally. He also has put in my heart a renewed love for the marriage and husband He allowed me to have- even if it means dying to what I want. It’s ok. I want to die, because I am learning that as I die, I am growing. And I am falling more and more in love with God like never before.  Nothing is too much for HIm to ask from me. He gave everything for me; how can I dare to keep anything back from HIm?? It all belongs to Him anyway! And I love HIm so much, I WANT to give it all to Him. 

My prayer is that I don’t want to just speak out words that say “Christian”, I want to LIVE a life that  shouts CHRIST! I want HIM to be glorified like never before in the life He’s given me! I don’t want a drop of phoniness in me. I want no more to say one thing and live somethign /else. I lived with blinders on my eyes for so long, and I praise HIM that He has removed them. Just a short while ago when I got to share some of this with Chris he said to me, “But Shawna, that’s not who you are.” And he is right. That’s not who I’ve been. I’ve been a spoiled brat who loved to play the victim and loved to get my own way. But PRAISE GOD, it’s who Christ is making me into! 

So yes, I am beginning to understand the song now. When everything fell apart, God used it all to bring me to a new place- a wonderful place of Love For HIM, and for that, I will alwaybe thankful for the pain that I had to endure (and will likely endure more of in the future at times). 

 

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